Close Encounters with Jerry Seinfeld

I recently worked on a TV show called "The Marriage Refs". It just so happens that Jerry Seinfeld is the Executive Producer for this promising reality/talk show. For those who don't speak TV lingo, that means he's the big boss man.

Although we were only working on a tech rehearsal for this show (which means the video we shot is not going to go on the air; it was a practice run through, so to speak), Jerry Seinfeld was with us at the studio and there was a special energy in the air.

I usually don't get too excited about spotting celebrities here in the LA area. But for some reason, even seeing Jerry's car made me giddy. As I walked past the shining white Porsche before entering the studio, I could smell the new rubber freshness of the clean, black tires and feel the engine's heat rising from under the hood. The car shined with value and esteem.

When I entered the studio and saw Jerry standing there interacting with other producers, the stage manager and the host of the show, I couldn’t keep from feeling embarrassingly excited. I had to hide the smile on my face. It was crazy how absolutely similar he is to the character he played on Seinfeld. His speech, hand gestures and laugh are all the same. I kept expecting to see Elaine doing her horrible dance near the craft services (snack) table.

Eventually, I got over the giddiness as I realized that (A) he was an executive producer, so he wasn’t there to sign autographs (no, I didn’t try to get one) and (B) he might not be as excited to see me as I was to see him. In fact, I found myself disappointed that he wasn’t reciprocating my friendly advances. I smiled at him when we were on the far side of the stage, watching the rehearsal next to each other. He didn’t seem to notice me. When he passed me in the production office hallway and I tried to gain his attention, he simply scratched at his face with a finger and walked past me. “Harumph!” I thought.

I pondered how I might make him laugh. Perhaps in the bathroom. I pictured myself next to him at an adjacent urinal and saying something funny and unexpected like, “I bet you never thought you’d be peeing next to me”. I figured that even if he didn’t laugh, it would at least be something he remembered and maybe even talked about on Conan O’Brien’s show or something. I could be one of Jerry Seinfeld’s talk show anecdotes! I’d say “That bathroom story he just told Conan is about me!”

Unfortunately for me – and fortunately for him – Jerry had his own bathroom where he could create his own anecdotes (or maybe simply do what people normally do in bathrooms).

After some thought, it occurred to me that big name stars like Jerry probably have to create a kind of wall around themselves. One that serves to keep every would be comic from chatting his ear off about their MySpace page or to keep aspiring TV show producers from pitching hackneyed shows to him (“It’s like ‘Seinfeld’, only the difference is…”). He has to create a barrier or he’d never get anything done. He’d be too busy pretending to be as interested in his fans as they are in him. (“Really? Your mom watches reruns of my show? How interesting. Go on…”)

Having said that, I do appreciate celebrities who take the time to be friendly to their fans. I’m told that Drew Barrymore and George Clooney are very gracious in that regard. It speaks well of their personalities and patience. My hope is that sometime soon, I end up in some Los Angeles bathroom, relieving myself next to George Clooney. I know he’d reciprocate.

Thai Day!

My Thai landlord and her daughter live on the same property as my roommates and I, so we've gotten to know them over the course of the ten months we've lived in Burbank, CA. The story of Thai Day - which isn't a real holiday at all (I just named it that moments ago) - is an example of why they are top notch!

Dim Sum, Everybody!
Last week, my friend and I joined our landlord and her daughter in celebrating our landlord's birthday. We went to Empress Pavilion in Chinatown and our landlord paid for it! She said we are like her children! Now I have two moms. That last sentence sounded like a quote from a "progressive" TV drama in the mid-nineties.

Anyway, the Empress Pavilion serves some of the most delectable "dim sum" that a pavilion can legally have. "Dim sum" does not refer to an uneducated answer to an addition problem on a math worksheet. It refers to snacks served during tea time, a Chinese tradition. My favorite was Shiu Mai (pictured above), which are pork dumplings with savory mushrooms and flavor that will make the angel babies cry with delight.

Once you get to the Empress Pavilion, you are seated in a huge ballroom of sorts (Picture a big ballroom in a nice hotel and then fill it with tables... and Asians). As soon as you sit down, you're given hot tea and women come around from table to table with carts of steaming food that they offer you. "You want spinach dumpling?" Sometimes, I didn't know what they were offering me, but my Thai friends would "translate" Chinese English to Thai English, which I seem to understand better.

Since our landlord wouldn't let us pay for lunch, we decided it would be best to make her a cake to show our gratitude. However, we were unable to do that because she invited us to get Thai massages that very night at Master Wong's Foot Clinic in nearby Alhambra, CA!

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on now touch me, babe."
For months, I'd wanted a professional massage, and I was so happy to get the inside scoop on a very affordable, very effective Thai massage. Before you make any jokes about a "happy ending", I'll tell you this is not that kind of place. The only clothes you remove are your shoes and socks.

For two hours, I was rubbed, pressed, stretched, caressed, oiled, smacked and utterly relaxed by a wonderful Thai woman. There were about twenty massage recliners in this medium-sized operation, and almost all of them were filled with relaxed souls like me. I had never been massaged - professionally or otherwise - that well for such a length of time. It was amazing. As I sat in the dim light, listening to relaxing music, I distinctly remember two thoughts:

1) "This music sounds like it belongs in a 1960's early color Western movie."
...and later...
2) "I feel like I can do anything."

As much as we tried, our landlord wouldn't let us pay for the massages. She did let us tip our masseuses, and for that we were grateful. I think we both kind of felt like mooches.

Pretzels and shirtless healing
I wonder how we could ever repay our landlord. Maybe we could treat her and her daughter to a "German Day", since I think all three of us roommates have some German blood in us. It would be like our version of Thai Day.

We could start by taking the two of them to Schmidt's Brahaus for pretzels, sausage and schnitzels... and beer. Once filled to capacity with food and drink, we can nap for four hours and then visit our old friend, Dieter, German energy and touch healer. Through massage, Dieter will shirtlessly relax our bodies and minds. Wow. I think that will work! They'll love it! Thanks, Dieter!

Weekend Theme Song Challenge: Great Balls of Fire!

Whooey! It's been awhile since I last posted. I can blame that on several things, but the main reason is that I've been looking for work (see my two prior posts). Yay!

This past weekend, our WTSC song was Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire". Read on to find out how I lived out this theme song. And check out Hyperbole Personified’s blog for her story too. It’s sure to be filled with many great balls… of fire.

Friday Night Coma
The weekend began, as it often does, on Friday night. I had drunk some beers (yes, "drunk" is the correct verb form in this sentence) and was watching our local PBS station because that's what Fridays are all about to me - being too cool for parties.

What's this? A knock at the door? It's our lovely Thai landlord/friend who lives next to us. She brought over a hot, heaping aluminum foil-like tray of Thai food! Her mother, also Thai, had just made it. And it was five to eight pounds of steamin' noodles, chicken, shrimp, green onions, carrot shavings and who knows what else! I squeezed fresh-picked lemons and sprinkled her special hot seasoning all over it. So delicious.

It's strange that I don't know the name of this particular dish, which she’s given to us twice before. Whenever I ask her what it is, she says, "It's Thai food." But she never elaborates. Mysterious...

Due to the combination of beer and my serving of Thai food that was fit for a Thai giant, I went into a lovely Thai food coma. My stomach felt like a "Great Ball of Fire"!

The Fourth of July
Saturday was the fourth of July. Jay and I had a friend over from "back home" and we spent most of the day, grilling, eating, drinking, and swimming in our pool. Some highlights were when I scraped the lenses on a pair of old aviator sunglasses on the bottom of the pool and when we made a drink called "Strip and Go Naked" (we use vodka and lemonade in lieu of limeade and Cuervo).

Feeling silly from the sun and drink, we surrendered our transportation privileges to the great Mr. Sober-er Jay, who drove us to Pasadena where we watched the Rose Bowl fireworks from the top of a parking ramp. On this parking ramp, we drank illegal beers and avoided stepping on all of the kids whose cheapskate parents had taken them to the top of this parking structure rather than shell out the dough to actually go to the Rose Bowl to see the fireworks. And what fireworks they were! They had me saying things like "Seen it before", "Big deal; it's just a bunch of gunpowder", and of course "Goodness gracious great balls of fire!"

On the way home, I couldn't help but think of Jerry Lee Lewis singing his signature song. His blondish hair flapping, his fingers feverishly slamming the piano keys and his feet dancing of their own accord. He would've never thought that some other blondish guy (and some blond girl named "Hyperbole Personified") would be writing about him on something called the "internet". Or maybe this is all part of his divine rock and roll plan.

Goodness gracious!

Getting Laid... Off

For almost two years, I've worked in a TV Production/Development company in Los Angeles. Over the past year or so, the company has suffered financial losses and has had cash-flow issues, resulting in layoffs in the company's main NY office and rumors about closing the company's doors completely.

We Saw It Coming...
As several executives in the NY offices quit over the past two weeks, the threat of layoffs at the LA office seemed more and more probable. Moments ago, I received an email from an executive in our NY office. She said she'd like to speak with everyone in the office via conference call tomorrow. I am assuming pretty safely that this phone call will be made to lay off everyone in the LA office, resulting in our office's closure. Most likely, the NY office will soon close as well.

Here's To New Beginnings!
I'm not really sure where to go from here. It's unfortunate that so many talented people will be losing their jobs at our company. But, at the same time, I'm excited for the change. What new adventures lie ahead?

Seriously, What New Adventures Lie Ahead?
Hmmm. I've been sending out resumes and speaking with former Production Coordinators and Production Managers (people who organize and lead the "legwork" of TV shows) looking for work. The industry doesn't seem too dismal. Many of the people I've worked with on TV shows that our company produced are currently working. It's just a matter of me giving those people backrubs until they give me a job!

Who Knows?
I may be completely wrong about getting laid off. Maybe the executive is calling in tomorrow to tell us we are all very special and our office will never close. More news as it comes...

Press play and read it aloud, slow and easy: Mocky - "Birds of a Feather"

You’re driving in the early evening of an easy spring. The sun paints the landscape around you a promising orange and all the traffic has disappeared, letting you zoom across the bouncing ribbon road. Home is a few slow miles ahead, but you turn to take the long way as this song plays over the radio…

Weekend Theme Song Challenge: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

This week’s Weekend Theme Song Challenge was “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by The Clash. And, like the exciting confusion of the song, I too am an exciting mess! Rather than being confused, however, I am frenetic. I just drank a Red Bull. Austria!

The challenge is between little old me and Hyperbole Personified. Who won the challenge? UTELLME

This past week, my brother and sister came to visit me here in Los Angeles. A week! Can you imagine? I can. But I don’t have to because it was real. It was a fantastic time. So, in lieu of doing a “Weekend” of living out the theme of “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”, I’ll be writing about the whole week they were here as it pertains to this song! (Crowd response: “Yay. He’s going to talk about experiences that are only moderately interesting to people who didn’t experience them…”)

We did a lot of the cool things that one is supposed to do when visiting LA and the area. We went to Hollywood and Highland, MOCA, Downtown, The Grove, all that stuff. In fact there was so much stuff, we often had a hard time deciding what to do, because our time was limited – although a week in LA doesn’t seem like much of a time limit, does it?

So how does all of this crap you’re saying relate to the song, Mr. R.A.I.O.M.B.?
Well, to hell with you! That’s what I say! Exclamation points! Red Bull! Here are some examples…

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- My internet wasn’t working, so we had to surf the web on my brother’s high tech future phone. It was slow going and we couldn’t decide which comedy show at UCB we wanted to go to on Sunday. We decided to “stay” home (rather than “go”) and played badminton with friends and neighbors all night in my tiny yard with a lemon tree and beers.

- We went to take pictures of ourselves with the Hollywood sign in the background. I parked on a winding street where I saw a sign that read “Absolutely No Stopping”. My car was taking up an entire lane and it caused two almost-car-accidents. When a middle aged man stopped his car to point out the “Absolutely No Stopping” sign to me, we decided to “stay” and finish taking pictures. I feel bad about that. But I was just living out the weekend’s theme song and I think, in hindsight, he understands.

- When we went to Six Flags at Magic Mountain, I had to heave insults and angry words of wisdom at my sister in order to get her to ride “Riddler’s Revenge”. She loved it – the ride, not the insults. She was wise in deciding to “go”.

- We went to the Getty Center and saw a plethora of great photography and paintings. I told my brother and sister that we could either “stay” a little longer at the Getty or “go” to a surprise location that could only be truly enjoyed in daylight. With the sun sinking, we hurried to South Pasadena and were delighted to see some of the houses where Back to the Future was filmed. Our timing couldn’t have been better because there was a guy in front of George McFly’s house with an exact replica of the Delorian time machine as seen in BTTF II! We got great pics and someday I will post them (when I get them from my bro-bro). I’m glad we decided to “go”!

- We spent a couple days using the subway to get around. Generally, it was pretty smooth sailing. There was a period of time, however, when we consistently made the wrong decisions about which trains to “stay” on and which to “go” on. We got tangled up in Hollywood where two lines meet and spent an hour or so getting our act together.

- Lastly, the final “stay or go” situation... On Monday afternoon, less than 24 hours before my brother and sister would have to get on a plane to go back to Fargo, North Dakota, they were faced with a stone-hard decision. They could either go back home like chumps or they could continue the magical, storybook life of busking on Hollywood Blvd and sleeping in my living room. They decided that, although they enjoyed LA, they both had lives waiting for them back in Fargo.

All in all, the week was great, the badminton was intense, the subway was entertaining and the Hollywood was Holly-filled. Thanks brother and sister! Big fat love to you both!


NOTE: If you don’t know what the Weekend Theme Song Challenge is, go to the first posting about it here.