Sunday, December 7, 2008
-If you need money, I'll give you five.
-If a dollar could speak it would ask to not be put in panties at strip clubs.
-If you can count to a thousand, you're halfway to a million.
-If the economy gets any worse, everything will be going according to my plans.
-If LCD didn't stand for Liquid Crystal Display, I would ask it to stand for Lily Can Dance. (She's really good at it.)
-If shag carpet ever comes back in style, I will be indifferent.
-If birds would quit circling me overhead, I wouldn't feel like I'm about to die.
-If I ask you to be a member of the PEN15 club, please let me write it on your hand.
-If you ever want me to be in your movie, I'll tell you "I'll think about it," which usually means that I'll do it. That's because I love the movies you make.
-If Tom Hanks asked me to share a bed with him, I'd do it. But no funny business.
-If I filled a whole shelf with books, all of my cardboard boxes in the attic would finally be empty.
-If you lean on me, I will purposely fall down so that we fall together and you fall on me and I can touch you guilt-free.
-If fish could talk, I would turn the radio up when I'm eating them just in case I didn't cook them fully.
-If sand didn't taste so good, I wouldn't need to live by the ocean.
-If a concerned citizen really cared about neighborhood peace, he would quit peeking into my window because I will punch him, which will end the neighborhood's peace.
-If your roommate was gay, would you let me know? I'm planning on being naked in your living room.
-If you tell a turtle a boring story, he'll try to escape, but you'll think that he's just leisurely walking, so you'll walk with him. You are rude for not knowing that he moves slowly and doesn't care about your story.
-If your friend kills a spider, you are obligated - by rules that I invented - to plan and execute a burial ceremony for it.
-If you are tired, it's time to go to sleep now.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Unfortunately, this election – and the campaign leading up to it – has also brought to the surface the ignorance of many voters. I’m speaking from an independent perspective. I’m not arguing for or against Democrats or Republicans or any other political party. I’m trying to point out that ignorance is rampant… and very often interesting.
Take this video for example. It features brief "man-on-the-street" interviews at a Republican rally in Ohio where vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin spoke. (It’s Al Jazeera’s English network, but don’t let that scare you.)
Yes, this video is skewed to the left. It hopes to make the conservative right appear unintelligent and uninformed. Do you think it succeeded? The most memorable quote in this video, to me, is from the elderly woman in the colorful sweater, discussing Barack Obama: “I don’t like the fact that he thinks us white people are trash, because we’re not.” I’m not sure if she has any direct quotes that would point to Obama ever saying anything like that. After all, aren’t many of the votes he’s counting on going to come from white people? Interesting stuff!
Onto the next video. It’s from the Howard Stern show, wherein the interviewer asked Obama supporters in Harlem if they supported Obama’s views on various subjects. The catch is that he substituted Obama’s views for McCain’s views and it didn’t seem to sway their support. That is, at least not among those whose interviews were broadcast.
This one is skewed more to the right. Did these people really not realize that Sarah Palin is McCain’s running mate and not Obama’s? Do you think that these people or black people anywhere are voting for Obama just because he’s black? Is that an ignorant decision? Interesting stuff!
If people are indeed ignorant, should they be allowed to vote? That’s a question 20/20’s John Stossell tried to answer in this video…
Kind of depressing, right? Well, here’s something fun for both sides of the political spectrum. What happens if the other party - the party you don't support - wins? Collegehumor.com attempted to answer that question with this video.
Enjoy the new president!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
The first book would be about squirrels because everyone in the United States is as interested in squirrels as a 9-year-old boy with nothing to do. My dream never reached fruition. In fact, I believe all I did was design the book cover and take some amateur photographs depicting what blurrily appeared to be squirrels running away from my camera.
I'd love to show you the book cover or some of those pictures I took. But I won't. Instead, I'll leave you with that McDonald's commercial I mentioned so many sentences ago. The best part is... it's barely even related to the topic of this post.
Enjoy Larry Bird's acting ability with me. Won't you?
Friday, August 8, 2008
Now I have a blog.
Enjoy your time here and feel free to participate! (That advice applies to both this blog and to life.)