Sunday, December 7, 2008


-If you are ever on a desserted island, eat the pistachio pudding because it's the best dessert on the island.
-If you need money, I'll give you five.
-If a dollar could speak it would ask to not be put in panties at strip clubs.
-If you can count to a thousand, you're halfway to a million.
-If the economy gets any worse, everything will be going according to my plans.
-If LCD didn't stand for Liquid Crystal Display, I would ask it to stand for Lily Can Dance. (She's really good at it.)
-If shag carpet ever comes back in style, I will be indifferent.
-If birds would quit circling me overhead, I wouldn't feel like I'm about to die.
-If I ask you to be a member of the PEN15 club, please let me write it on your hand.
-If you ever want me to be in your movie, I'll tell you "I'll think about it," which usually means that I'll do it. That's because I love the movies you make.
-If Tom Hanks asked me to share a bed with him, I'd do it. But no funny business.
-If I filled a whole shelf with books, all of my cardboard boxes in the attic would finally be empty.
-If you lean on me, I will purposely fall down so that we fall together and you fall on me and I can touch you guilt-free.
-If fish could talk, I would turn the radio up when I'm eating them just in case I didn't cook them fully.
-If sand didn't taste so good, I wouldn't need to live by the ocean.
-If a concerned citizen really cared about neighborhood peace, he would quit peeking into my window because I will punch him, which will end the neighborhood's peace.
-If your roommate was gay, would you let me know? I'm planning on being naked in your living room.
-If you tell a turtle a boring story, he'll try to escape, but you'll think that he's just leisurely walking, so you'll walk with him. You are rude for not knowing that he moves slowly and doesn't care about your story.
-If your friend kills a spider, you are obligated - by rules that I invented - to plan and execute a burial ceremony for it.
-If you are tired, it's time to go to sleep now.


Breezy said...

I'm laughing out loud in the computer lab. If you can hear me, then you're in the computer lab too.

Nate said...

Comic gold, my brother! Laughing like crazy here...