Thursday, July 30, 2009

I am a job. Have you seen me?






















Ah, sonofagun. I'm still unemployed. Still actively pounding the pavement, sweating all the while, in search of a job. It's kind of a difficult task to undertake when you don't know exactly what you want to do. However, I suppose I'm open to almost anything.
The fun part
Assuming some people read this blog, I ask you, the reader, to please submit any advertisements for jobs (real or otherwise) that you think I'd be good at. No idea will be turned down!

Here is an example of a regular style job advertisement to get you started.

FULL TIME OFFICE ASSISTANT needed for some awful talent management agency in North Hollywood. Manage incoming calls and greet visitors and loiterers. Other duties include (but are not limited to) ordering office supplies, complimenting executives, learning to speak Chinese so you can order lunch from "that really yummy Asian place on Victory Boulevard with the soup spoons that don't feel right", wandering around in the parking lot, searching online for other jobs that are better than this one, and petting the interns. Interested candidates, please send your resume and cover letter to ICannotBelieveWeAreABusiness@gmail.com. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE!!!!!!!!

If you are writing your own, made-up job advertisement...
At the bottom of this post, you'll find some adjectives, verbs, and other words that I want you to include in the job advertisement. Only those who use at least one of these words or phrases will be taken seriously. This is very serious.
Agile
Promoter
Life-Saving
Frighteningly Gifted
Hard Core
Surfing
Snowball
Freelance
Heat-Seeking
Vampire Killing
Minnesota
Lemon Pie
Squirrel Catcher
Amazing Guitar
Customer Nervous
Totally Puppies!
Corn on the Cob
Salvage
Writing Phenomenon
Testing Video Games
Free Miller High Life Lite
Badminton Star
Record-Playing
Awesome Travel
Full-Breasted

Thank you. And I await my reader-suggested fate!

2 comments:

Breezy said...

Hey Quinn- this job looks like it's right up your alley-

A life-saving company is seeking a hardcore, frighteningly gifted Minnesotan to drink free Miller High Life Lite and catch full-breasted squirrels. No experience necessary, but badminton skills are a must. You also must be able to make lemon pie, kill vampires, and promote corn on the cob without making the customer nervous. To schedule an interview, contact Totally Puppies! Behind Ken Nagayama's Liquor Ninja. WE want YOUR skills.(no phone calls please)

Quinn Callens said...

Sounds like I'm the purrr-fect cat-idate!