Haikus for Today

New water cooler.
Wish it would have arrived clean.
Bleach is unpleasant.

Fire drill. Go downstairs.
Stand outside like morons and
go right back inside.

John has closed his door.
Why won't he answer his phone?
John is out to lunch.

It is December
seventh, two thousand and ten.
We'll only get one.

"This water tastes bad."
"The water cooler is clean."
"Nevermind. Tastes good."

Overheard in TV World

Female Supervising Producer, explaining a cut to an Editor: That probably goes better with battery acid than purple baby poop.

Overheard in TV World

Production Assistant (shooting at a hot dog stand): I've got to say this is not my first wiener time-lapse.

Overheard in TV World

Female TV Producer 1: You bought a 600 dollar pair of boots?!
Female TV Producer 2: (Pause) Yeah.
Female TV Producer 1: The ones with the buckle?
Female TV Producer 2: Yeah.
Female TV Producer 1: Oh. That's a good buy.

One-Day Weekend

It is finally Saturday, which is my Friday. I've been working 12 hour days, six days per week, with a 30-60 minute drive (each way) to work and back. I have about 1 hour of free time per day, which I spend getting ready for work and getting ready for bed. This work probably makes up for my brief lapse of employment. TV is hard work! But, I'm having fun, making a ton of friends and business contacts and learning a lot.

Tomorrow will be pure pleasure.

Hell's Kitchen, white Christmas and the first 48 hours

Once again, it has been so long since I have blogged. Why is that? I have a job! That’s right. I’m an outstanding Production Assistant for Fox TV’s “Hell’s Kitchen”. So far, it’s pretty darn good and should keep me employed through possibly the end of March. So, if you are planning on asking me for money, try to do it before the end of March, to increase your chances of great fortune.

Speaking of great fortune, I have the great fortune of being in Fargo, ND – my hometown – right now! I’m sitting next to a real Christmas tree by a bay window looking out at a bunch of beautiful whiteness. And that’s not just the predominantly white citizens of Fargo. It snowed three inches the day I arrived, so I’m guaranteed a white Christmas, which is exactly what I ordered from “Hutch”, the local weather man.

Thus far, I’ve played Scrabble, drank Guinness, slept with a cat in someone else’s bed, played a guitar, played a washboard (not my abs), played Mario Kart, jumpstarted a car with a British flag on the roof, argued about pizza, argued with a pizza, got bit by a dog and had fun with family and friends. And that’s just the first 48 hours! Looking forward to more!

I am a job. Have you seen me?

Ah, sonofagun. I'm still unemployed. Still actively pounding the pavement, sweating all the while, in search of a job. It's kind of a difficult task to undertake when you don't know exactly what you want to do. However, I suppose I'm open to almost anything.

The fun part
Assuming some people read this blog, I ask you, the reader, to please submit any advertisements for jobs (real or otherwise) that you think I'd be good at. No idea will be turned down!

Here is an example of a regular style job advertisement to get you started.

FULL TIME OFFICE ASSISTANT needed for some awful talent management agency in North Hollywood. Manage incoming calls and greet visitors and loiterers. Other duties include (but are not limited to) ordering office supplies, complimenting executives, learning to speak Chinese so you can order lunch from "that really yummy Asian place on Victory Boulevard with the soup spoons that don't feel right", wandering around in the parking lot, searching online for other jobs that are better than this one, and petting the interns. Interested candidates, please send your resume and cover letter to ICannotBelieveWeAreABusiness@gmail.com. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE!!!!!!!!

If you are writing your own, made-up job advertisement...

At the bottom of this post, you'll find some adjectives, verbs, and other words that I want you to include in the job advertisement. Only those who use at least one of these words or phrases will be taken seriously. This is very serious.

Agile

Promoter

Life-Saving

Frighteningly Gifted

Hard Core

Surfing

Snowball

Freelance

Heat-Seeking

Vampire Killing

Minnesota

Lemon Pie

Squirrel Catcher

Amazing Guitar

Customer Nervous

Totally Puppies!

Corn on the Cob

Salvage

Writing Phenomenon

Testing Video Games

Free Miller High Life Lite

Badminton Star

Record-Playing

Awesome Travel

Full-Breasted

Thank you. And I await my reader-suggested fate!

Getting Laid... Off

For almost two years, I've worked in a TV Production/Development company in Los Angeles. Over the past year or so, the company has suffered financial losses and has had cash-flow issues, resulting in layoffs in the company's main NY office and rumors about closing the company's doors completely.

We Saw It Coming...
As several executives in the NY offices quit over the past two weeks, the threat of layoffs at the LA office seemed more and more probable. Moments ago, I received an email from an executive in our NY office. She said she'd like to speak with everyone in the office via conference call tomorrow. I am assuming pretty safely that this phone call will be made to lay off everyone in the LA office, resulting in our office's closure. Most likely, the NY office will soon close as well.

Here's To New Beginnings!
I'm not really sure where to go from here. It's unfortunate that so many talented people will be losing their jobs at our company. But, at the same time, I'm excited for the change. What new adventures lie ahead?

Seriously, What New Adventures Lie Ahead?
Hmmm. I've been sending out resumes and speaking with former Production Coordinators and Production Managers (people who organize and lead the "legwork" of TV shows) looking for work. The industry doesn't seem too dismal. Many of the people I've worked with on TV shows that our company produced are currently working. It's just a matter of me giving those people backrubs until they give me a job!

Who Knows?
I may be completely wrong about getting laid off. Maybe the executive is calling in tomorrow to tell us we are all very special and our office will never close. More news as it comes...