This saxophone riff should play whenever I enter a room, please.

You Will Be Missed: The Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound

A fond farewell to things that are gone or leaving contemporary life.

The Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound

It was that twinkling, polyphonic intonation of electronic correspondence that seemed to come from another world. The digital grappling hook thrown over the castle wall of technology. The tender shout of a loving robot to the information superhighway! Ah. The dial-up internet connection sound!

In our present-day lives, hearing the dial-up internet connection sound is sadly uncommon. Come to think of it, it was occasionally an unpleasant sound (I'm sorry, loving robot!). However, it holds a sentimental value in my heart, not because it sounded like an early 1980’s video game, but because of what it promised.

It was around 1994 that I first remember using the internet. TV, movies and my dad’s magazines all told me that the internet would change the world as we knew it. What binary excitement! My dad bought a modem for our computer, and we were off! ...Slowly.

In truth, it wasn’t until 2000 – when I began using Google – that I felt the internet could be used to its full potential (for more than just stealing music and downloading games that contained viruses). Of course, by then most people were using faster internet connections, like DSL and cable, and dial-up internet was already becoming a thing of the past.

Oh, the bittersweet irony! People like me only began to appreciate the full spectrum of the web when the one who first delivered it – the dial-up internet connection sound – was rotting away under a stack of old envelopes and scratch paper somewhere on a computer desk in a middle-aged aunt’s basement.

Perhaps someday, when that middle-aged aunt dies and her nephews return to gather up her belongings, they’ll find the dial-up modem. It will blink sleepily under a layer of dust and let out the most beautiful sound. The nephews will listen nostalgically and one of them will say with fondness, “I remember when Auntie almost caught us looking at naked pictures of Pamela Anderson.”

To which the other nephew will reply, “Do you think the pictures are still in the modem?”

And then they’ll smash open the modem with their aunt’s pink hammer, destroying the modem forever, because these nephews– like almost everyone – have no idea how a modem works.

Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound, you will be missed!

Click here to hear that sweet sweet sound! (

It’s angelic until about halfway through.)

Hell's Kitchen, white Christmas and the first 48 hours

Once again, it has been so long since I have blogged. Why is that? I have a job! That’s right. I’m an outstanding Production Assistant for Fox TV’s “Hell’s Kitchen”. So far, it’s pretty darn good and should keep me employed through possibly the end of March. So, if you are planning on asking me for money, try to do it before the end of March, to increase your chances of great fortune.

Speaking of great fortune, I have the great fortune of being in Fargo, ND – my hometown – right now! I’m sitting next to a real Christmas tree by a bay window looking out at a bunch of beautiful whiteness. And that’s not just the predominantly white citizens of Fargo. It snowed three inches the day I arrived, so I’m guaranteed a white Christmas, which is exactly what I ordered from “Hutch”, the local weather man.

Thus far, I’ve played Scrabble, drank Guinness, slept with a cat in someone else’s bed, played a guitar, played a washboard (not my abs), played Mario Kart, jumpstarted a car with a British flag on the roof, argued about pizza, argued with a pizza, got bit by a dog and had fun with family and friends. And that’s just the first 48 hours! Looking forward to more!

Dance Band on the Titanic

Early this morning, I was awoken by a Roto Rooter man fixing a bad toilet-related situation in a pipe outside my window. I arose and in-line skated for a half hour. This song was in my head the whole time. Love it.

Thai Day!

My Thai landlord and her daughter live on the same property as my roommates and I, so we've gotten to know them over the course of the ten months we've lived in Burbank, CA. The story of Thai Day - which isn't a real holiday at all (I just named it that moments ago) - is an example of why they are top notch!

Dim Sum, Everybody!
Last week, my friend and I joined our landlord and her daughter in celebrating our landlord's birthday. We went to Empress Pavilion in Chinatown and our landlord paid for it! She said we are like her children! Now I have two moms. That last sentence sounded like a quote from a "progressive" TV drama in the mid-nineties.

Anyway, the Empress Pavilion serves some of the most delectable "dim sum" that a pavilion can legally have. "Dim sum" does not refer to an uneducated answer to an addition problem on a math worksheet. It refers to snacks served during tea time, a Chinese tradition. My favorite was Shiu Mai (pictured above), which are pork dumplings with savory mushrooms and flavor that will make the angel babies cry with delight.

Once you get to the Empress Pavilion, you are seated in a huge ballroom of sorts (Picture a big ballroom in a nice hotel and then fill it with tables... and Asians). As soon as you sit down, you're given hot tea and women come around from table to table with carts of steaming food that they offer you. "You want spinach dumpling?" Sometimes, I didn't know what they were offering me, but my Thai friends would "translate" Chinese English to Thai English, which I seem to understand better.

Since our landlord wouldn't let us pay for lunch, we decided it would be best to make her a cake to show our gratitude. However, we were unable to do that because she invited us to get Thai massages that very night at Master Wong's Foot Clinic in nearby Alhambra, CA!

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on now touch me, babe."
For months, I'd wanted a professional massage, and I was so happy to get the inside scoop on a very affordable, very effective Thai massage. Before you make any jokes about a "happy ending", I'll tell you this is not that kind of place. The only clothes you remove are your shoes and socks.

For two hours, I was rubbed, pressed, stretched, caressed, oiled, smacked and utterly relaxed by a wonderful Thai woman. There were about twenty massage recliners in this medium-sized operation, and almost all of them were filled with relaxed souls like me. I had never been massaged - professionally or otherwise - that well for such a length of time. It was amazing. As I sat in the dim light, listening to relaxing music, I distinctly remember two thoughts:

1) "This music sounds like it belongs in a 1960's early color Western movie."
...and later...
2) "I feel like I can do anything."

As much as we tried, our landlord wouldn't let us pay for the massages. She did let us tip our masseuses, and for that we were grateful. I think we both kind of felt like mooches.

Pretzels and shirtless healing
I wonder how we could ever repay our landlord. Maybe we could treat her and her daughter to a "German Day", since I think all three of us roommates have some German blood in us. It would be like our version of Thai Day.

We could start by taking the two of them to Schmidt's Brahaus for pretzels, sausage and schnitzels... and beer. Once filled to capacity with food and drink, we can nap for four hours and then visit our old friend, Dieter, German energy and touch healer. Through massage, Dieter will shirtlessly relax our bodies and minds. Wow. I think that will work! They'll love it! Thanks, Dieter!

America's Funniest Home Videos

"Awesome." "Practically the best thing ever." "I can't believe I like this so much." These are my responses to a rediscovered love in my life - "America's Funniest Home Videos". This show has been on since 1989, and has had, on its grand and lively set, four hosts of varying talent and sexiness. For my money, the best host was Bob Saget. From here on out, that’s the “America’s Funniest Home Videos” I’m talkin’ 'bout.

Although, as a child, I really disliked his inane, rambling "monologues", complete with jokes that trailed off into rolled eyes, I can't help but look back at Bob Saget's years on this show with the fondest of feelings. Perhaps it was the 24 oz. can of Miller High Life I was drinking, but last night, I absolutely, thoroughly enjoyed this show - Bob Saget and all!

It's so damn good
Why was this show the source of so much joy and excitement as a child? And even now as an adult? After all, many of the video clips featured on the show were predictable; you knew what was going to happen the moment you saw the setup…

Setup example:
A 50-year-old man at a wedding anniversary reception is on the dance floor shaking his groove thang. But – uh oh! – ten feet away is a woman carrying a large sheet cake! What happens next?
A) The man stops dancing and asks the woman for a piece of the cake.
B) The man slips and falls into the woman, destroying the cake.
C) The man continues dancing, and waves at the woman benignly as she walks by.

I think you know the result, but I’ll say it anyway – it’s “B”. Why was it “B”? Obviously, we want to see crashes and injuries! And dogs doing human things! Adults doing childish things! Men getting nailed in the groin with various objects!! Babies vomiting on babies!! Trees tipping over on cars tipping over on sandcastles!! And for Pete’s sake – if they look awesome in reverse, play them in reverse!!!

"A.F.V." provided all of these appealing video scenarios – and oh so much more. They did it with musical montages, Bob Saget’s lively, high-pitched voiceovers, and a glorious selection of cartoonish sound effects. My – this show had it all! And its supreme early-90’s splendor lives on in syndication… and YouTube.

A.F.V. VIDEOS
Won’t you join me in reliving some wonderful "A.F.V." moments? Yes. Yes, you will…
Intro to the first show!
Love the high-pitched voiceover at 1:00!
Fun!
More!
An honest look at the real "A.F.V."?
Many more videos here!

Epilogue: the theme song
I almost forgot! Do you remember the original theme song for “America’s Funniest Home Videos”? I do, and I still sing it at my mirror every morning while I’m combing my freshly-showered hair and wearing sunglasses. The comb usually doubles as a microphone. If you can remember all or most of the lyrics, you and I should be friends – not real friends, but the kind of friends who sing this theme song together.