Haikus for Today

New water cooler.
Wish it would have arrived clean.
Bleach is unpleasant.

Fire drill. Go downstairs.
Stand outside like morons and
go right back inside.

John has closed his door.
Why won't he answer his phone?
John is out to lunch.

It is December
seventh, two thousand and ten.
We'll only get one.

"This water tastes bad."
"The water cooler is clean."
"Nevermind. Tastes good."

Launchpad McQuack is a shoebill

I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Launchpad McQuack is a shoebill. They both have large, confident beaks and are handsome. The proof is in the pictures.

San Francisco map for futuristic travel (from the past)

If you ever go back in time to the days of 8-bit video games - and everything else in the world is 8-bit also - use this map... but only in San Francisco. (This can and will happen TO YOU.)

This saxophone riff should play whenever I enter a room, please.

You Will Be Missed: The Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound

A fond farewell to things that are gone or leaving contemporary life.

The Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound

It was that twinkling, polyphonic intonation of electronic correspondence that seemed to come from another world. The digital grappling hook thrown over the castle wall of technology. The tender shout of a loving robot to the information superhighway! Ah. The dial-up internet connection sound!

In our present-day lives, hearing the dial-up internet connection sound is sadly uncommon. Come to think of it, it was occasionally an unpleasant sound (I'm sorry, loving robot!). However, it holds a sentimental value in my heart, not because it sounded like an early 1980’s video game, but because of what it promised.

It was around 1994 that I first remember using the internet. TV, movies and my dad’s magazines all told me that the internet would change the world as we knew it. What binary excitement! My dad bought a modem for our computer, and we were off! ...Slowly.

In truth, it wasn’t until 2000 – when I began using Google – that I felt the internet could be used to its full potential (for more than just stealing music and downloading games that contained viruses). Of course, by then most people were using faster internet connections, like DSL and cable, and dial-up internet was already becoming a thing of the past.

Oh, the bittersweet irony! People like me only began to appreciate the full spectrum of the web when the one who first delivered it – the dial-up internet connection sound – was rotting away under a stack of old envelopes and scratch paper somewhere on a computer desk in a middle-aged aunt’s basement.

Perhaps someday, when that middle-aged aunt dies and her nephews return to gather up her belongings, they’ll find the dial-up modem. It will blink sleepily under a layer of dust and let out the most beautiful sound. The nephews will listen nostalgically and one of them will say with fondness, “I remember when Auntie almost caught us looking at naked pictures of Pamela Anderson.”

To which the other nephew will reply, “Do you think the pictures are still in the modem?”

And then they’ll smash open the modem with their aunt’s pink hammer, destroying the modem forever, because these nephews– like almost everyone – have no idea how a modem works.

Dial-Up Internet Connection Sound, you will be missed!

Click here to hear that sweet sweet sound! (

It’s angelic until about halfway through.)

Things from today

This morning is when I cleaned the bathroom. Here is a paradox… Cleaning the bathroom is gross, so I don’t do it very often. But, if I did it more frequently, it wouldn’t be so gross. SOLUTION: Purchase a disposable bathroom.

I went to Master Wong’s Foot Clinic in San Gabriel, CA today. It seemed to be Master Wong’s daughter who massaged me. She felt like the gracefully aging daughter of a regal Chinese master. Then she answered her cell phone and carried on a conversation while rubbing my neck. Master Wong would not stand for this. (He would probably do something very honorable, like burn incense in a stone hut, as a show of disapproval. That’s what masters do.)

I watched The Bourne Identity. Now all I want to do is stab bad people with a pen and have a laser implanted in my hip.

Taco Bell sold me a crunchy (formerly called “hard shell”) taco today. At first, I was worried when some of the grated cheese spilled off the taco and onto my passenger seat. I thought something like, “Oh no! Food got on my passenger seat!” Then I remembered fast food cheese isn’t food. (UPDATE: I put the cheese in my gas tank. So far so good.)

Tonight is Parmesan Sage Pork Chop Night! Check your calendar and throw it away! It's too special to be printed on a crummy old calendar! (Slaps his knee and smiles with mouth open.)

10,000 Days: And a maniac for every one of them

Yesterday, I made an unfortunate discovery. I realized that I missed celebrating my 10,00oth day of life! Sadly, it was just 59 days ago. March 30th. Damn you, March 30th! Damn you right in the “th”!

What a boring date it was. Day 10,000. I looked in my emails to see what I was up to on March 30th. As it turns out, I emailed my director a lackluster comedy sketch (I write comedy sketches for a sketch comedy group in Hollywood) and emailed a bunch of scanned images to myself as part of my office job. *Yawn*.

I didn’t even know this big day was coming! Had I known, I would’ve spent the day doing all of the things I love!

Here are some ideas I thought of in the past thirty seconds…
-Light 10,000 sparklers in a really dry library
-Write about it on my blog
-Dance until it hurts
-Yell facts at people out my window
-UPDATE MY FACEBOOK STATUS!!!!!!! (Ugh.)
-Rename my car
-Drink a Miller High Life Light (10,000 times)
-Make a rare and unusual sandwich
-Pull the fire alarm at my job as a means of celebration
-Write a really sad acoustic guitar song about it
-Invite 10,000 of my closest friends to join me on a gay cruise ship that I’m not going to go on

Oh, readers! If you are lucky enough to have not yet enjoyed your 10,000th day of life (or any other day-based milestone), take advantage and enjoy it! Click this link to see your day-age!

May ALL your days be milestones!